Healing: Endings & New Beginnings

A little over a year ago, I ended my first real relationship and experienced one of the deepest heartbreak of my life. And it was a shit show for everyone involved and then some.

I remember crying in his arms, oceans pouring down my cheeks, tides so high, I was convinced I would drown. My heart was so shattered I wondered how it could even beat at all. Everything was alienating, consuming. Nothing seemed to shake off that kind of hurt. I clung to the pain though. Because it was the only thing to remain from our relationship. This, and all the love I had left in me. Where was all this love supposed to go once the person you created it for wouldn’t understand it anymore?

For the longest time, I felt like some headless chicken running without direction, the nervous system doing all the work the brain was supposed to do. Despite experiencing grief before, I never thought I would have to mourn someone whose heart was still beating. More importantly, this person had chosen to leave. And that was a tough one for my ego.

Holding onto the love instead of the loss is what kept me afloat. I understood that you’re allowed to keep the love. It doesn’t need to go away. Going against the current was exhausting and soon enough I realised that it would ruin me. So I kept it. I treasured the good and faced the bad. Somewhere on my phone lies a 72 points-long list of all the reasons that led to our break up. Needless to say, it stirred a lot of anger in my heart — which was crucial to get myself out of the deep waters. At some point, I felt steady enough to let go of the anger. I then understood that my love had also changed. That’s when I finally felt ready to let go of us and chose myself instead. I re-directed all the love towards myself.

And then it happened. It began on a random Thursday which for some reason, felt like a holiday. No promises, no hurt. Just soft eyes and laughter. And we danced. Everything I had begged for, was at the reach of my fingertips. I had a glimpse of what things could be.

Time and space slowly cleared out the confusion I was in and I eventually reached the shore.

I then thought about the life I had worked for and, decided that I couldn’t be someone who runs. I had built a life, designed a plan and men are a little like waves. They come and go —some in stronger manners than others. So I built my heart a solid boat for when the tides are high again and the sea begs to see me tremble.

I poured myself into my craft, and my work and stopped waiting for someone to care about the ways my mind glimmers. I have my own back now. Sometimes I’m still pissed at things that happened and it’s okay. Closure truly is something none can give you but yourself.

Today, I live in a new city, I got pristine bedsheets, my shampoo has changed, my ringtone isn’t the same, I use a new lingo and my arms now hold another lover. Someone who treats me like I deserve the world, someone I can trust, someone who is selfless. And my heart is full.

Sometimes all you can do is move forward and learn that some endings are the opening to new beginnings. So give yourself time. Don’t hide from your emotions. Be dramatic and make mistakes. Trust that you’ll be okay. Hold onto your friends. Better days are coming.