Finishing my degree: High Speed, Low Energy

Since everything in life is a little more thrilling when the crushing weight of academic pressure is on your shoulders, I am drafting those lines instead of writing my dissertation. A lot of thoughts have cluttered my brain in the past few months. Homesickness hit me like never before, I witnessed my motivation plummet and thought a lot about what finishing my degree meant.

I've had a lot of time to reflect on my time in Brighton and gathering all those thoughts slightly distracted me from my academic path. My last assignments reflected my lazy and distracted state of mind and although I've tried to regain my old sense of discipline, it's been tricky.

So much has changed in the last few months and as I’ve been finding a new sense of routine and normalcy, everything is about to change once again. Life is going by at the highest speed and I sometimes feel a little lost. I’ve been trying to make the best out of everything so intensely that it's hard to keep up with my thoughts and feelings. Trying to juggle between my social life and my uni workload simply doesn’t work and I’ve found myself in an awkward slump. I do so much yet, I don’t feel productive. It’s kind of like going out with your friends, knowing that the next day you’ll be hungover at work. Last night’s euphoria is just borrowed happiness from the day after.

When I first left for uni, I was so eager to experience new things that I barely looked back. Coming home for Christmas and summer break was enough but this year, I longed for my bed, made the conscious effort to recreate my mom’s best dishes and travelled home as much as I could, pushing back my flights anytime I’d get the chance. Every time I’ve been home, I became reluctant to go back as I knew the transition would be painful. Going through a disastrous break-up earlier in the academic year played a big role in all of this but I was still surprised to see my desire to remain in Switzerland grow each time I’d visit.

Paradoxically, as my time in Brighton slowly comes to an end I feel like I’ve never been more in love with the city than now. I know every street, I found my go-to café and constantly find beauty in its little details. My flat this year is my favourite out of all the places I’ve lived and I just don’t feel quite ready to let go. I’m also fully aware that nothing would be the same next year, even if I stayed. Knowing that all my friends are expanding their wings and ready to fly on their own fills my heart with pride yet this little tiny selfish part of me wishes we could stay in this moment forever.

I’ve never fully understood what being an international student truly meant until I realised that on May 25, once my last assignment is submitted, this chapter of my life will be over. The life and the friendships I built here will be packed in boxes, sent back to the motherland and all we’ll have left are phone calls, occasional visits and these incredible memories we’ve collected. Even if this situation comes with its own set of challenges, having two homes became a norm and I grew to enjoy this lifestyle. A bit of me here and there.

As I am running to the finish line, everything around me seems so fragile and I'm terrified of breaking. It’s all very confusing and a lot of questions are pending above my head but for now, staying focused on the present is the only answer I’ve gotten. I’m stepping one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time and as things are moving, I try to embrace all the changes taking place. As for me, all I know is that I know nothing.